Yak-herh!!!! Just came back from a whole day of activities and that I'm seriously drain out right now. Life before NS is serious like a "machine" because of the training responsibilities that you have to undertake (Cause it seems like a norm that everyone is always fit-ter than you) and that you will feel so much stress not to do anything during this point of time ("Go work la!" yes yes.. that what I always hear). It's not that I do not want to work, but that I just couldn't find a suitable one that is felxible enough for me to have my Monday, Wednesday, Friday and Saturday free. Besides... Heres's a rough drawn out of the time line I will be expecting with.
The Passive:
Monday - RPCCC LM
Wednesday - TPCCC LM
Friday - Church Cell
Saturday - Church Missions training/ Music Pratice/ Meeting
For the month of June:
25th May - Vincent's Wedding (Church)
14th - 20th - Church Mission Trip to Karen Community (Thailand)
22th - Church Revival Gathering for all members of Xxon (Lightsource)
29th - 9th July - CM'07 / Beggers Mission
Now, with that how am I going to find a job that last for May only and than take a break till July? Kind of impossible right? Well... Went to Tecman yesterday for an interview and it seems like to me that that doesn't require anymore help and that it will be kind of hard for me to even assume work soon enough. Surely need to pray for it man as I do hope that I could work and kill off a little time and also earn enough cash to tide over what ever is to come.
Fitness is one issue that I covered at the start, than comes job. Now on the back of my mind... I was wondering something more for God. Well... Praise God for the many opportunity that I could have many brothers and sisters to catch up with and that is seriously one trying period for me. Really thank the many people around me that gave me sound advice and also lending me that listening ears.
Just as to share this one little issue. I'm struggling to assume the worship leader place back in my church again as I have officially step down last year Oct. And it is not a very easy time for me as I did have alot of issue to struggle with.
Now that I have always been demoralise by the fact that there will always be a group of people who will always be that "critic" in your life. And be it to be in a good sense or rather, the pressure is on and that it didn't gave me the due respect that I need to have. It seems very much like "I need to follow your style" and each time I will need to "force" myself to add these elements in to my worship leading for the sake that these people are of more seniority and respect place. Yes... They will have a say and they are right to step into certain area of the ministry. But I just felt that they are steeping too fast and too far. And that makes me very un-comfortable and each time I will need to snap in and out of the Spirit to make myself align to their standard(which is serious bad).
I did also struggle with the mass when I lead, no doubt that there are people whom worship whole-heartedly and angles are encamping with us and rejoicing with us... But there will always be that "blind spot" that raise your attention towards them; a "spot" that is quite huge in a sense. I understand the fact that its their heart level problem and I need not be account for that, but I felt that I did have a cause in it. Many times I do wish that I could rail at them, shame them, walk off and just stop worship/ praise time. But I know for sure that I will be compromising the rest. As a person whom is critically sensitive to worship, I felt that I would rather taken a step back and control that rage in me than to make them change... Not that I have no authority and rights but I just can't use the right word and method for that.
Selfish as it might seems in me... But God did make me realise that I have been like Jonah; running away from God literally. Why? 2 times God causes rejection to me as He had shown me to being a worship leader... but I fled. I refuse to accept that fact that my passion is in leading praise and worship and that is what I do best. I tried to be a worship coordinator in hope to strap the ministry and reform it my way. But "... My ways are not your ways.." declared The Lord.
I tried being a musician and seek all resource and connection to be one... "... My ways are not your ways..." declared The Lord. And times after times there are people who came to me and say "Simon! Worship lead lei!", "why you quit worship?"...
There is a SMS that I had kept for a very long time.. It date far back on a normal night on 25th December 2006 at 0044 hours. A fellow young youth sent me this...
"Haha. You after all is a great worship leader that i will never forget."It touches my heart somehow... A boy at a tender age of 14 and just step up for God to play acoustic guitar. Bearly played for me much...